What is Shame — and How Does Therapy Help?
“Often people come crippled by shame. And what is very peculiar is that the remedy of shame is the thing they are most scared of in the world. The remedy of shame is speaking about it. But the last thing people who are ashamed want to do is speak about it, because it is what they want to hide.” — Philippe Jacquet
Shame is the painful belief that the self — not just an action, but the whole person — is fundamentally defective, unworthy, or unlovable. Unlike guilt, which responds to behaviour, shame responds to existence.
Guilt versus shame
Guilt says: I did something wrong. It points at a specific action and motivates repair. Shame says: I am something wrong. It points at the self. Because the self cannot be corrected in the same way an action can, shame tends to persist beneath the surface of everything.
The lock and the key
“Often people come crippled by shame. And what is very peculiar is that the remedy of shame is the thing they are most scared of in the world. The remedy of shame is speaking about it. But the last thing people who are ashamed want to do is speak about it, because it is what they want to hide.” — Philippe Jacquet
The therapeutic relationship as antidote
When shame is spoken and witnessed — when the anticipated catastrophe does not occur — something shifts. The grip loosens. The person discovers that they are not as uniquely defective as the shame always insisted.
“For some people, the psychotherapist is the first time in a long time they have felt connected with one person — the potential bridge toward connecting with other people and creating a tribe.” — Philippe Jacquet
Book a consultation with Philippe Jacquet — psychotherapist and Jungian analyst, London.